My life always seems so hectic and crazy until i go to write it down, then it just looks so small and short.
Normally I'd just write all of what I'm about to down in a journal or something, but due to my extremely nosy boyfriend I feel like this is the best place to vent about life and love and friends and family and all that wonderfully confusing stuff. I honestly don't even know what to write about anymore. I mean, I do know. I just don't want to.
Let's see... I'm finding it nearly impossible to breakup with the boyf. Every time I try he freaks out and refuses to let me leave the hosue. And when I do finally leave, he just texts me. Nonstop. And calls me. Nonstop.
Two weeks ago I got really drunk. I was having a good time. LK And I went skinny dipping in the lake, everyone was smoking, we had the hookah. I was happy. But then LK tells me what her fifteen year old sister was getting creepy Tumblr messages from someone saying things like "I'd kill to have a chance with you" and whatnot. Then that anon gave her their number. It was my boyfs number. Now, he's 21. She's 15. He has a thing for 15 year olds. So I knew it was true. Stupid me grabbed my clothes, and my purse, and drove away. Boyf texted me all pis'sy about causing a scene and I needed to take Ryan home. So I came back got Boyf and Ryan and left to take Ryan home. I was visably pis'sed. I was speeding, drifting, swerving. It was scary, even for a drunk girl. I actually did get pulled over, too. But only for going 10 miles over the speed limit. I got off with a warning. After I dropped Ryan off Boyf asked me what my problem was. All I said was "Why do you keep lying to me?" And that's pretty much all I remember of that part of the conversation. I drove Boyf to his house, we argued in the car. He got out and I followed. I grabbed his shirt and ended up ripping it. Eventually I blocked his way to inside of the hosue. I know my behavior wasn't the greatest but I was drunk, and I am the victim. I said a few more things. Called him a lair and cheat. And then next thing I knew I slapped him. Then I woke up on the floor. He had hit me so hard I blacked out. I immediately jumped up, went inside, and got his mother. Her and I stood outside talking, and I was sobering up, for about three hours. He called me literally 30+ times.
I don't know what possessed me to take him back, but I did.
I got drunk again the following Tuesday. I cut myself that night. Boyf got really mad about it.
Then three days ago I wasn't feeling well so Boyf and I just stayed in at his house for the night. I fell asleep really early, while he was cleaning. I woke up a few hurs later to find him passed out next to me, and his phone, alone, on the tv stand. Boyf has a habit of having two girlfriends at once. Sometimes, even three. So i snooped. I had always told him that I would never look through his phone, simply because I knew I wouldn't like what I'd find. And I was right. There was texts of him calling his ex pet names. There were NEW naked pictures of his ex, as well as two other girls. There was even a video of him fuc'king someone else. I gathered my things together and woke him up to tell him I was leaving. He got up and put his shoes on to walk me out. I was standing there with my arms crossed, maybe that's what gave it away, but he was what's wrong. "I'm fine" If my stance didn't give it away, the way I said those two words did. He said something along the lines of "Okay, now I know something's wrong what is it?" I just said, "I'm breaking up with you"He literally grabbed my legs and wouldn't let me leave. I had to instigate him to hurt me in order to leave. The second I did, the texting and the calling started back up again.
Again, I don't know why, but I took him back.
Lately I've found old cnoversations with him, and I've been remembering things that I've mentally blocked out. And it's made itself extremely apparent now.
I don't want to be with him anymore.
I mean, I want to be with someone, so maybe that's why I stick around.
But I don't want to be with this boy.
I've noticed that I try so hard to get what I cant have, and then once I get it.. I'm bored.
Two nights ago I tried breaking up with him again. He was high as a kite, so maybe that's why he reacted the way he did, but he like pinned me down on the bed, layed on top of me, and cried more than I've ever seen a grown man cry. I tried leaving, but he wouldn't let me.
I just can't forgive him for what he's done. He says I need to give it time. But I don't even time would fix this.
I don't think anything will. Ever.
It will never be the same again.
My academic life is shit.
My social life is shit.
I really just wanted to bit'ch about Boyf.
So I'm done now.
~~More rants to come later!